Fantasies are part of nearly everyone’s sexual repertoire, yet most people are quite disconcerted about them.  Research has shown that 95 percent of men and women reported having experienced erotic fantasies.  Additionally, people who feel less shame and guilt regarding their erotic fantasies during intercourse reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction and functioning than did others that felt guilty about them.  Most fantasies that are sexual in nature begin from early memories; the first images that you find arousing.   They may be a positive or negative, or both.

The most common thought that one may have is “are my fantasies normal?” Fantasies are vast and have different meanings for each individual.  Some fantasies may be romantic and tender; others may be rough and kinky.  The top ten erotic fantasies given the most on surveys are: threesomes; sex with a famous person, a friend or someone you have a crush on, a former partner, a stranger, someone of the same gender; being dominated (tied-up and spanked), sex while someone is watching, and sex in public or exotic places.

Our erotic fantasies have the ability to serve as wonderful tools to enhance our sexuality.  They help increase sexual arousal during masturbation and sexual relations with a partner; help people through anxiety; act as a way to mentally rehearse new sexual experiences; allow for taboo behavior (a forbidden fantasy is more exciting for some).  People also may escape through their fantasies into worlds that consist of group sex, sex with strangers, forceful sex, or one night stands – all without actually engaging in them.  For most, fantasies are much more exciting when they stay within their imagination and are disappointing when acted upon.   Which begs the question, should you and your partner disclose your innermost fantasies to each other? First, you should be clear about why you would like to know.  Are you trying to learn what your partner’s private sexual thoughts are out of your own insecurities, or are you excited to explore those thoughts to enhance each other’s sexual desires?

If you are having trouble accepting your fantasies, a good place to start is to think about them and write down your reactions (positive or negative).  It is important to acknowledge these thoughts and approach them with a sense of curiosity – set aside judgment, shame or guilt.  Many people bury or ignore what makes them feel good; which, can lead to an unfulfilling sex life.  Expressing your innermost feelings has the wonderful ability to enhance your sexual well-being.