Sexuality is often linked directly to sexual acts, or sexual orientation.  However, it is much more than that; sexuality is a core part of our identity, which includes our feelings about our gender, sexual behaviors and our body image.  Body image is how we feel about ourselves physically and how we perceive others see us.  Both men and women may struggle with their body image and it can strongly affect their sexuality. The more that we are distracted by negative thoughts about our body, the less we are able to feel comfortable during our most intimate moments alone or with a partner.  Do you find yourself imagining what you look like from the outside rather than focusing on the sensations that you feel inside? Worrying about cellulite or sucking your stomach in does not enhance an orgasm!

Cultural definitions of what is considered to be “beautiful” vary from society to society.  Additionally, the ideals of beauty are quite different in each era of time. The voluptuous bodies of Marilyn Monroe and Betty Davis are drastically different from the emaciated Victoria’s Secret models that society deems as “perfect” today. Therefore, it is important to remember that we are not born with poor body images; it is something that we learn.

Within Western cultures, women are held to an extremely high standard; thinness and beauty are equated with sexual desirability.  The images that are portrayed in the media are very unrealistic and do not represent the average size of women.  Consider these facts:  In the early 1980’s the average model weighed 8% less than the average American woman; she now weighs 23% less; the average American woman is 5′4″ tall and weighs 140 pounds, while the average American model is 5′11″ tall and weighs 117 pounds; and most fashion models are thinner than 98% of American women. And let’s not forget about the image enhancement that is done through airbrushing and photo-shop!  Is it fair to compare ourselves to something that doesn’t even exist?  Eve Ensler, author of The Vagina Monologues, clarifies: “We Americans like to tell ourselves we are free, but we are imprisoned.  We are controlled by a corporate media that decrees what we should look like and then determines what we have to buy in order to get that look”. Question your images of beauty:  Are they realistic?  Do they include people from all cultures, ethnicities, people with varying levels of physical abilities?  Do you see the beauty in people for who they are, rather than what they look like?
“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

When:  April 23rd 8:00-10:00pm
Where:  85 Washington Street Reno, NV 
The Institute for Inspired Living
Who:  Presented by Dr. Tory Clark and special guest Caleb Viles
Cost:  $25 – open to gay or bisexual men, single or in relationship.

We will conclude the evening with a trip over to the 5 Star Saloon  

This workshop will focus on the pleasurable aspects of sex, safer sex, and the importance of communication.  Particular emphasis will be placed on knowing your own body and owning your sexuality.  Participants will have an opportunity to overcome personal mindsets that block open communication and learn a continuum of skills to initiate open conversations.  There will be time to ask those questions you may have never felt comfortable to ask. 
This two hour interactive workshop will cover the following:
* Self-pleasuring
* Safer sex, lubrication, and toys
* Oral sex
* The male g-spot (the prostate)
* The ins and outs of anal intercourse

 

Caleb Viles, 25, is a recent graduate of the University of Nevada-Reno.  With a bachelor’s degree in Biology, he plans to further his education at an as yet undecided medical school in the near future to pursue a career in medicine.  As a former student and close friend to Dr. Tory Clark, and a member of Reno’s gay community, he is well versed in many topics within the realm of human sexuality.    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

   

  

   

 
  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Imagine this:  King Arthur takes Guinevere as his Queen.  Later, when
Guinevere takes a liking to one of Arthur’s ravishing young knights, Sir Lancelot, she and Arthur invite him into a relationship in which they share Guinevere’s companionship.  The three have a meeting at the Round Table and propose a set of ground rules by which they all must strictly adhere to.  Arthur gets to spend quality time with her on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Lancelot spends time with her on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.  On Sunday, half the day is spent with King Arthur and the other half with Lancelot.  Both men are entitled to have sexual relations with Guinevere and it is forbidden for either of the men to encroach upon the other’s scheduled quality time with her.  The trio resides in the same castle, share their wealth, and fight battles side by side. 

This example is quite opposite of the Disney cartoons that most of us were raised on: one man, one woman, happily ever after.  However, Polyamory, a term coined in 1990, means loving more than one.  People who choose to engage in Polyamory have multiple, intimate, and consensual relationships with emphasis on honesty, communication and emotional commitment.  Most people who practice Polyamory begin from the premise that one partner cannot meet all of their needs.  A common belief is that love is not a limited resource only reserved for one person; rather, it is abundant and can be shared between more than one partner. 

Click on picture for full interview

When: March 2 – April 6 Every Wednesday evening from 7:00 -9:30 pm
Where: 85 Washington Street Reno, NV – The Institute for Inspired Living
Who: Presented by Dr. Tory Clark with special guest presenters, Cara Ceaglio
Cost: $150 - open to women 18+ years old, any orientation, single or in relationship

A 6-week facilitated discussion and support group for women around the topic of sexuality through group discussion and fluid rhythms body movement. This is a safe place for women to talk openly about their sexual lives, and the challenges they face sexually. Each meeting we spend time on a specific topic of learning, and there is time to ask those questions you may have never felt comfortable to ask. The intention is to create a supportive circle of women where you can share, listen, and teach each other. It is a circle where women can identify an area in their sexual life that they want to grow, and receive home assignments related to that goal.

Each Wednesday evening, Cara will take us through a moving meditation where the wisdom of your own body will heighten your sensuality; increase your strength, vitality and peace of mind.  This movement will help us transition into our second hour together where upon Dr. Tory Clark will facilitate our group discussion about sexuality in detail for personal growth and renewal.

Have you ever wondered why certain people or situations turn you on? Just what is the driving force behind your deepest sexual desires? Author Jack Morin, answers these questions and more in his book “The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment”. He describes his book as a “guide to deep exploration of your most important turn-ons—how they work, what they mean, how they can work against you, and what to do about it if they do.”

Morin compassionately invites his readers in to explore their erotic side and offers non-judgmental support page after page. In order to fully experience what this book has to offer, Morin asks his readers to keep an erotic journal. He poses questions throughout the book that challenges one to delve deep inside their mind to remember their own peak erotic experiences. A Sexual Excitement Survey, developed by Morin himself, asks numerous questions regarding these experiences. The survey sets the stage for the reader, as they can look back at their answers and recognize recurring themes or patterns in their erotic mind.

Perhaps one of the most compelling aspects of “The Erotic Mind” is the way that Morin, a practicing psychotherapist and sex therapist, interweaves his client’s most erotic turn-ons throughout each chapter. As a reader, it is pleasantly surprising to relate to some of these excerpts, and realize that you are not the only person out there turned on by their descriptive encounters. Morin states, “You’ll open new pathways to sexual satisfaction by reading about other people’s erotic truths – the ones that rarely are given a voice – while simultaneously attending to your own.”

Personally, and professionally, I can attest to the sexual self-empowerment that “The Erotic Mind” provides for its readers. As an instructor of Advanced Human Sexuality at the University of Nevada Reno, I decided to add the book to my curriculum. I realized, after reading it myself, that it would greatly benefit my students. While reading “The Erotic Mind”, I found myself wishing that I would have stumbled upon Morin’s guidance earlier in life. However, I am grateful that 200 students a year get to experience his guidance, and apply it to the rest of their lives. If you decide to purchase a copy of “The Erotic Mind”, expect the benefits of understanding of your own erotic mind to be immeasurable.

Morin, J. (1995). The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment. Harper Perennial.

Sex-positivity means that people benefit from holding positive
 attitudes about sexuality without any guilt or shame. Sex is a subjective experience and we each have a different relationship with it. Sex should be liberating and pleasurable and people that are sex-positive are confident about it and are not afraid to communicate about what they need sexually.

Sex-positive people appreciate sexual diversity; there is no such thing as “normal” sex in this ideology. There is no place for judgment and moralistic preaching. People experience pleasure in many different ways and we each have our own boundaries. Everyone deserves to have the sex life that is comfortable to him or her, as long as it can be had consensually.

Sex-positivity includes all people, whether they are straight, gay, bisexual, intersex, disabled, kink, old, young, etc. It also includes people that live in institutions and require care from attendants. People that have disabilities, disease, and physical and psychosocial disadvantages are all sexual beings and should not be excluded.

Sex-positivity promotes sexual health. Regardless of health status, a sex-positive approach to partnering aims to reduce both risks of transmitting Sexually Transmitted Infections and the stigma associated with having them. In managing sexual health, people need to have access to safe, affordable contraception and procreative choices.

Education is an important means to a sex-positive society. Sex education should be taught at all levels of life that is age appropriate, accessible, and comprehensive. Sex education does not limit discussion to the harm of sex. Instead, it emphasizes the benefits of healthy, pleasurable, consensual sex.

Until next time, stay sex positive!

AND….check out this video by Laci Green, an incredibly sex-positive young lady!

“Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short, wear shirts and boots, ‘cause it’s OK to be a boy, but for a boy to look like a girl is degrading, ‘cause you think that being a girl is degrading.” –from The Cement Garden. 

Within the United States, the social expectations of what it means to “be a woman” or to “be a man” reside in two very distinct black and white boxes.  Each box holds certain behaviors which are socially appropriate for men and women to adhere by.  Obviously, these expectations have a profound influence on our sexuality and generate certain behaviors.  I have questioned the stereotypical gender roles that we have been socialized into and continuously see a direct correlation with glorifying masculinity and degrading femininity within our society.  What happens when these roles are embraced?  Tony Porter recently gave a speech on Ted.com tilted “A Call to Men”, where he stated, “See collectively, we as men are taught to have less value in women, to view them as property and the objects of men. We see that as an equation that equals violence against women.”

The United States has the highest incidence of rape of all Western nations and the Centers for Disease Control reports that men’s violence against women is the number one health concern for women in the U.S. and abroad.  Why? Anthropologist Dr. Sanday, compared the incidences of rape in 95 societies.  Her research indicated that the frequency of rape was influenced most by the nature of the relations between the sexes, the status of women, and the attitudes that boys acquire during their developmental years.  Her studies further demonstrated that “rape-prone” societies tolerate and glorify masculine violence, encourage boys to be aggressive, view physical force as natural and exemplary, demean the role of women in economic and political aspects of life, and avoid “women’s work”, such as raising children and household chores. 

Does this sound familiar?  Within the United States, we teach males that being aggressive and forceful is the winning formula for how to “be a man”.   Inevitably, many men struggle against the paradigm of “macho” conditioning (strong, independent, virile, and dominant) and are socialized to be unemotional.  The fear of being labeled a “sissy” drives the healthy expression of emotions deep within, left to fester.   I feel that it is fair to say that strict adherence to these gender roles confines the way that we express our sexuality.  As a society, we need to step up and challenge these gender roles and question what it really means to “be a man”.

Below is a letter to the editor of the Reno-Gazette Journal on December 28, 2010.  I decided to write a response to this man’s accusations, which can be seen as well below. 
Cheers, Tory

Will repeal be a boon for sexual predators?  -Ron Landmann, Minden, NV

What a blessing! What relief I feel! If only I’d known sooner that removing the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy from the books would greatly enhance our national security, I would have demanded it years ago. To paraphrase the president, who stated today that these (homosexuals) fine citizens only want to serve to defend the United States. It sounds so honorable. It sounds so glorious. It sounds like so much bovine excrement.  I have a different take on allowing homosexuals into the military and out in the open. During my career, I investigated homosexual predators. They can be mean, vicious, cunning, brutal and deadly. Allowing these fine citizens in the ranks of the U.S. military is inviting more problems. (I believe scientists who study social engineering call it “unintended consequences.”)  You see, sexual predators may look at the U.S. military as a “target-rich environment.” Imagine the 25- to 45-year-old sexual predator intent on seduction and recruitment being in an environment with 17- to 21-year-olds who are, by the large part, unsophisticated. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. But what do I know?

There’s no evidence that gay’s are predators.  -Dr. Tory Clark, Reno, NV

As I read Ron Landmann’s letter claiming that homosexuals are sexual predators [RGJ, Dec. 28], it was reminiscent of our history of stereotyping members of minority groups and equating them as a danger to society by way of false accusations.For example, 50,000 women were executed in the 15th century for carnal lust, the Jews in the Middle Ages were accused of murdering Christian babies in ritual sacrifices, and black men were often lynched after being accused of raping white women. Similarly, gay people have often been portrayed as sexual predators, or, as Landmann so ineloquently referred to them, “mean, vicious, cunning, brutal and deadly.” Let us take a look at the actual facts regarding sexual predators: The U.S. has the highest incidence of raping women, most pedophiles are heterosexual males, father-daughter and brother-sister are the most common types of incest, and, finally, the most common sexual assault within the military is led by 18- to 25-year-old junior enlisted males against women. Furthermore, data does not exist that prove homosexuals are more likely than heterosexuals to sexually harass their subordinates.I often wonder: When homosexuals finally have all of the rights that the rest of us enjoy, who will be left to marginalize? Maybe Landmann knows.